entry #1

dear blog,

i hate my fucking life so much. i hate it. i hate college, i hate working, i hate moving, i hate doing schoolwork, i hate eating, i hate showering, i hate changing clothes, i hate waking up, i hate walking, i hate feeling like this. i honestly hate everything. i dont know what the hell to even do with myself.

people say "i care about you" and sure, maybe somewhat. but like, the thing it, no one REALLY cares. i know its a cliche that people say all the time, that "no one really cares about me!1!111!!!!" but it is true lol tbh. like if i died rn people extremely close to me would be sad for like a week, half a month MAX. people who arent as close would spend a day or two upset, and people i am not close with wouldn't even care.

so many people say "i care" but like i know they truly dont. like when other people tell me these things about themselves i dont care because i feel the same. so like why would anyone care. especially when they have dozens and dozens of friends besides me. like theyll get over it lol. i know they will.

- "I'm not something to be dwelled on." -Courtney Parker

its like.... if i dont care about MYSELF, then how come other people care about me. heres the answer: they dont. "caring" is such a weird term bc i mean like, the connotration is always abused. "i dont care" "i do care" "i couldn't care less" etc etc. like it doesnt matter.

nothing matters to be honest.

i could be gone in the blink of an eye how sad is that? its not sad. theres billions of other people to talk to. to love. to be friends with. to laugh and cry with. i do not wanna be here.

and regardless, im annoying. like here: i talk- i speak, i regret it. i always think about the way i talk to others and how if i was them i would block myself. i wouldnt be friends with myself if i was someone else like what the actual fuck. im annoying, im weird, i talk so fucking much- especially about nothing, i am so loud, i have no talents, no skills, i suck at everything, i always bring up weird stuff and annoying stuff, i push my depression everywhere, i do things for attention.

honestly, u wanna be friends w someone like that?

no, you dont.

i wouldnt.